Here Some Thoughts, Some Posts on Face Book

An interesting Post on Facebook

A Poem on My Life

My Life

I am born to this day; This day to me is born

Full of possibilities, opportunities, joy and happiness

As if for me they are made and for them likewise I

Yes through the day, morn to night

Thoughts run wild - of hurts, of anger, and of guilt

Of all the wrongs as if done to me

And of those as if done by me

Yes through the day, morn to night

Feelings upheaval in me - of hurts, of anger, and of guilt

Caused by wrongs as if done to me

And of those as if done by me

I have learnt to live in the moment

No past, no future to matter

For the past is no more in the present

And the future to the present is yet to be born

No pinning hope, nor wish, nor desire

For when in the moment I live

And also in the moment I think and feel

Full of awareness and full of alertness

There is no trace of hurt left in memory

I learnt the formula of adding age to life

And of adding health and wellness

Keeping doors open for prosperity and

Wealth in to flow

I learnt the secret of liberation and emancipation

Its there to have without much seeking to do

Just by giving up desire and ignorance of what reality is

I learnt too that neither can I love, nor be loved,

All I can do is being loving

So also neither can I care, nor be cared for,

All I can do is being caring

So thus the magic happens for me

For then life becomes just living

Living life full of joy and happiness

And aloneness and solitude becoming full of bliss

I learnt using let go, release and relinquish

Just showing willingness and saying so

make adverse thoughts, feelings and emotions go

I also learnt to love and accept myself as also others

exactly as I am right here and right now as also are they

No matter what flaws have I or they

No matter what imperfections have I or they

Using this healing balm morn, afternoon and night

Life has become blissful, living happy and joyful

Thus adding age to life and knowing there is enough

and more with me and around

Yes I started late. Not too late.

Yes I started late, as yet I'm here to stay for long.

Amen

The role of anchoring in healthy living

Fr. George Kandathil, Hussain Rampurwala and I were involved in discussing some TA topics including movement to script. The learning from that discussion is presented here.

Anchor belongs to the ship. It is an aid to the ship. It helps the ship to remain stable as and when it encounters rough weather or choppy seas. What relevance can this metaphor of anchor have to healthy successful living.

In the very early years of a child's life it identifies itself as being related to its mother. Later to its father. Still later to other members of the family. As individual grows in age the relating grows to persons across the globe. How does this child identify itself. When asked who are you?
The child looks at its mother and says: "I am my mothers child." That is the identity. We are committed in fidelity to our core identity. That connectivity to our core identity is our anchoring. It generates our value system, moral, ethical, social ... All relations are guided by this quality of fidelity. When times become difficult or challenging the person anchors to his core identity. In a spiritually evolved person this anchoring is to god.

Anchoring permits us to accept each other in essence. I am I, and you are you. Each one of us unique. We can have different views. As yet we can solve problems together. This orientation of offering, of giving arises when this anchoring is in place.

Ajit Karve: taforyouandme@gmail.com

Talk at Osmania College, Kurnool, A.P. on 29.7.2011

Dear Friends,

Good Morning.

I am here to talk to you about Transactional Analysis and to get you interested in learning this wonderful theory for improving the quality of your life and becoming achieving. The punch line of my work is this: Achieve what you want effortlessly and fast without doing much. This line may sound quite surprising. We are gifted at birth to achieve. How you may ask. One of the powers, called Physis is enjoyed by all living organisms. Physis is the power to grow and to develop. Let me give you an example. A mango seed is locked under a tile in the out yard of a building. It shrivels up over 1-3 years. Then one year a tanker or truck cracks a tile. In the following year water seeps underneath the tiles during the rainy season. The seed strikes moisture. And, presto it sprouts. It throws the roots first and then the shoot. The shoot has no place to come out in the open. It grows this way and that and finally finds a small gap to come out. Over years it grows into a massive tree. In Transactional Analysis we learn how to tap the capacity to grow and to develop. Transactional Analysis was founded by Eric Berne way back in 1967. The theory is all about Hello. What one says before the Hello. What are the many ways in which we can say the Hello. What people say after the Hello. Dear Sir, Please come next to me. Let us shake hands. Hello Good Morning. Thank You. See in giving there is receiving. When I extended my hand to say hello, good morning I received a Good Morning, A Smile and a Shake Hand in Return. In interacting there is exchange of value. Knowing the various ways in which human beings interact with each other is Transactional Analysis. You saw me sitting there at the head table. I left this place to ease my self. I asserted my need to feel relief and at ease to deliver this talk. We are blocked from thinking outside set patterns, feel outside set patterns, behave different from set patterns, smile only in set patterns, find difficulty in expressing our needs, difficulty in saying no, getting to express what we want … the list is endless. Getting the empowerment to affirm and to assert is learnt through Transactional Analysis. All the dignitaries who spoke before me addressed others very respectfully using the Telugu equivalent of Sir. Yes Sir. No Sir. Why Sir. We do use these words. They are used ritually or genuinely to show respect to others. Why do people find it difficult to address me as Ajit even though I offer that permission. We are programmed to say, feel, behave, express in given ways so that the other person may be happy with us. In Transactional Analysis terms we are victimised by one of four myths. Transactional Analysis offers a way to be free of this victimization. See here I have a thread tied to my leg. The other end is in my pocket. Now I have tied the other end to this table. My freedom is restricted. I cannot move wherever I want to. To do so will be prevented by this thread. To be free I need to untie the thread. See now I am free. We have ideas, we have beliefs, we have values … the list is rather long. In as much that we accept all this, they too victimize us and prevent us from having the freedom to think, feel, do, act, say, behave in a different way. Recovering the freedom to think, to feel, to say, to act, to do, to behave as we wish to within the bounds of social decency is Transactional Analysis. See, persons shrug away from receiving a kiss planted on the cheek. To receive praise is difficult for some. But a person readily receives a slap. Why? because we are programmed to fall in the trap of receiving painful strokes in preference to healthy strokes. Our behaviour, our interactions, our expressions are programmed in ways that we can receive painful strokes. In Transactional Analysis they are called payoffs. These are generated through games and rackets and by discounting. Moving to generate healthy strokes by moving away from games, rackets and by gaining freedom from discounts and discounting is Transactional Analysis. We say I love you. Believe me it has taken me 35 years to say genuinely to my wife, I love you. What is love? I did not know. My enquiry was on. I learnt after 35 years in matrimony. Now I can say what is love. It is to esteem. It is uphold value, worth and dignity in another. It is to afford freedom. It is to love divinely. It is to overlook the idiosyncrasies and carry on with life and living despite all the imperfections. It is to respect and accept the other. Transactional Analysis teaches what it is to be OK. What is OK ness. What is OK-OK interacting. And yes, Transactional Analysis also teaches us loving. Five years into marriage, people forget touching each other. It takes an effort to touch each other. I am giving you an amazing formula to hale and hearty, to be healthy. Infants are held in the arms. They get touched from top of head to the bum. One good way is couples perform this ritual of stroking each other's back every day in the morning at tea time sitting arm in arm having tea on a sofa. Being together. Embracing till released. Taking opportunity to touch each other, hold each other. This is stroking by touch. Then there is stroking by looking. Look empathically straight into eyes of another, not a stare remember. That is stroking. When some one is talking listen, offer listening, be with the other in listening. Learning the merit of looking listening and touching to enhance the quality of strokes is imparted in Transactional Analysis. Incongruence in communication leads to game play. We often say to another. Are you not coming to my house tonight. When asked 'so are you doing this' we often reply I will try. We say yes as yet our head moves sideways. These in Transactional Analysis are tangential transactions. They invite the other in devious interactions. Understanding these and other types of interactions helps us to achieve congruency in interactions. We learn that in Transactional Analysis. We have a compulsion to repeat. Should we ask ourselves this question: What happens again and again we do not like. How does it start. Then what happens. Then what. How does it end. What familiar feeling, thought, perception, experience is received. What do you think the other has felt, thought, experienced. Unpleasant. Am I or the other becoming blaming, helpless, low, insulted, hurt, unhappy, … what is in operation is a game. A game yields painful outcomes in the nature of payoffs. These payoffs we intensify and then there is a show down. We learn in Transactional Analysis how to free ourselves from these patterns of compulsions to repeat. Life is decisional. There is something called as psycho-cybernetics. It grew out of research in electronics how to programme circuits so that some activity can become operational later. A typical example setting an alarm for the morning. Programming a microwave. Psychologists became interested in this. They learnt that as we think, and feel we are making choices and also decisions. Decisions build the future. We live those decisions in the present. If we do not like what is happening in our lives, we have the option of changing those decisions. Transactional Analysis teaches us that life is decisional. The spouse we choose and major events of our life is all per patterns we decided in our child hood. We can identify the patterns and make re-decisions and change our life. We all use words like should, must, have to, need to, want to these are auxiliary verbs and modals. They all create compulsions. You will notice these words appearing again and again in our mind talk. We can choose to avoid using these words. Transactional Analysis shows why we use them, and how we can be free of their usage.

Yes, Transactional Analysis is a theory free of jargon words. Only six words have specific meaning as per their definition. They are ego states, transactions, strokes, games, rackets and script. All other words mean the same as per the dictionary meaning. There is plenty to explore. Starting with just one introductory session called the foundation training – this lasts three days, you can start using Transactional Analysis. Your journey has been initiated. Then you continue with certificate, diploma and degree level to know more and more. Keep exploring till you reach the bottom of the ocean or sea. They you know this being called man. You know who you are. Why do you think the way you do, feel the way you do, behave the way you do, say the way you do, act the way you do, reflect the way you do. As Fr. George the founder of the ICTA our institute in Kochi says: Freedom of having the capacity to create options. One option – you are a robot; two options – you have confusion or you are in struggle; three options and you have a decision; five options and you have freedom. You have peace of mind, real true happiness and joy to enjoy. Transactional Analysis teaches us how to identify, moving into, remaining in, and moving out of script. How to be free of script. How to enjoy autonomy. How to interact in Honest game free ways. How to be intimate. How to problem solve. How to be deciding. Most Important how to enjoy alone-ness and freedom. How to be successful be a winner. Achieve effortlessly and fast.

I invite you to be part of our TA movement and help us to spread it across Andhra Pradesh. I request you to please help Saratbabu and Apparao in this endeavor.

Thank you.

Ajit Karve: taforyouandme@gmail.com

Freedom from Stuckness

Some four years back Fr. George Kandathil SJ founder of ICTA, Kochi was talking at one of our trainings. He said this to us. If you have just one option - you are a robot; If you have two - you are confused or struggling; If you have three - you have a decision; If you can generate five - you have freedom.

We are in script when we have just one option. We are unable to think differently, feel differently, experience differently, behave differently, reflect differently, act differently ... Movement to freedom happens when we ask ourselves, when we experience stuckness, this one question "How else ... What else ..." When we are stuck we become agitated. We continue harboring the hurt we have experienced. Or, we are wondering what to do about it. Or, we are thinking of giving back. Or we may think, why only me.

Stuckness indicates either exclusion or constancy; Feelings overwhelm thinking; Blocked thinking is experienced. Breaking the loop gives us an opportunity to think; When we can think we can generate options; When we can generate options, we can move toward freedom;

Understanding this process becomes easy, using the structural and functional models of personality in Transactional Analysis. Only one active ego state indicates being in script. When two ego states are active we have confusion - this also indicates exclusion of Adult. When three ego states are active we have a decision. Ability to use all the five functional ego states affords freedom.

I discovered a two way formula to achieve this. Afford freedom and love divinely. It is particularly useful to use this in home settings and in close relationships. Another way is to remove the irritant or cause.

Ajit Karve: taforyouandme@gmail.com

Freedom from Painful Outcomes - Ending Games

Psychological games are a mechanism for generating unhealthy strokes. We have an inborn need for strokes. Like oxygen strokes are the primary need for human existence. Strokes fulfill stimulus hunger. We tend to move to generating strokes through games because these unhealthy strokes are more potent. Games represent a compulsion to repeat. Ending games is a sure shot way to have open, honest, intimate interactions. Games are also a way of structuring time. Unstructured time leads to boredom. Persons free of involvement in games and rackets enjoy the bliss of spending time in alone-ness. Their relationships with others get an added dimension. They build a potential for healthy growth through healthy relating.

Drama Triangle is a good model for understanding games. Persons enter game in one of three roles Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim. Each individual has a favorite role for entry and also a favorite role for exit. There are six benefits for playing games. Players involved in game play, play complementing games. The object of playing games is to generate payoffs in the nature of racket feelings. Players then move around the drama triangle till they finally switch position and leave the drama triangle with their favorite payoff.

So how to identify games. Simple: Ask yourself if you tend to spend time in gossip. Do you over time experience hurt or broken relationships. Do you suffer from mental agony or anguish once an interaction has happened. These occurrences are games.

While TA theory prescribes many ways to end games, the best one is to start generating healthy strokes. Here are some examples. The region from the top of the head to a little below the waist can be stroked by a partner - a spouse. Generating a smiling face involving the eyes when talking to others. Establishing eye lock in interacting with others. Empathic listening to others. Meaning what we say by generating congruency between spoken and non verbal communication.

Think well of others. Speak well of others. Speak well to others. Receive complements willingly. Generate self esteem. Have esteem for others as persons. Bring an end to being complaining, sarcastic, picking, critical ... Give up antagonistic thoughts and views of others. Assume responsibility for thinking, feeling, experience. Be in the here and now when reflecting. Use age relevant adult resources for problem solving. Move to good thinking, good feeling, good reflecting rather than remaining drowned in painful / pain causing / un-productive thinking, feeling, emoting, reflecting...

Ajit Karve: taforyouandme@gmail.com

Freedom from Rackets - Guaranteed Health

A way of thinking, feeling, reflecting, experiencing which is inappropriate for ending a situation is a racket.

We have need for strokes. Strokes quench stimulus hunger. Stimulus may be physical - a touch, a handshake, a pat, a stroke, a caress, a kiss, a punch, a soft pinch; these are pleasing or a slap, a box, a ear wring, a beating, a kick; these are painful; Stimulus may be visual - a look, a wink, a stare, attending; or Stimulus may be auditory - hearing, listening; When we are not in a position to get our need for strokes fulfilled through healthy strokes we enter into interactions which generate unhealthy strokes or we use rackets as a way to generate unhealthy strokes.

We have the freedom and choice to prefer healthy thinking, feeling, reflecting and experiencing to the corresponding unhealthy counterparts. To racket is to generate more and more of the harmful thoughts, feelings or emotions either in variety or quality. It is the way animals chew the cud. They keep on ruminating and chewing. When we do with unhealthy thoughts, feelings, or emotions we are in racket. The process generate psychological stamps. These stamps are traded for a showdown, depression, or physical ailment.

Figure: Generating Stamps

When we are judgmental or critical or complaining or picking or finding fault about what is said, done, acted out, happened, experienced, reflected, occurred . . . we are in racket. The need to racket is an expression of inability to generate healthy strokes. Generation of healthy strokes coupled with handling rackets is a sure shot way to have a healthy mind and a healthy body.

Think good, think right, or not at all is the best way to generate good mental health. Freedom from feelings of guilt, anxiousness, scare, anxiety, hatred, jealousy, confusion, distress, stress, ego hurt, isolation, loneliness, unloved, insecure is the best way to generate good mental health.

Freedom from experiencing pain, anger, sadness, fright, remorse, grief, insult, ego hurt, isolation . . . is the best way to generate good mental health.

Ailments which are not biological or chemically caused are psychosomatic. The origins of psychosomatic ailments can be traced to patterns of rackets. Freedom from Rackets is a guarantee for good physical and mental good health.

A good way is to be free of stroke economy by implementing stroke accounting. This is generating strokes for a reason and without reason as well. Giving, receiving and asking for strokes

Ajit Karve: taforyouandme@gmail.com

Living in the here and now. A way to healthy living.

Living in the Here and Now. A way to healthy living.

The present we live in, is in reality a patch of overlap of past and future. Pushing past back and future forwards is creating a gap to live in the present. The experience of time is due to the occurrence of day and night in succession. Past and future exist, but only in memory. In reality there is no past and there is no future. There is an ever moving present. We are born every day to a new day. We tend to make too much of life. Life is all about living every day. Life becomes so simple and easy when we live every day for the day.

In times after the second world war electronics progressed to create gadgets that could be programmed. Psychologists of the time got interested in knowing the concept and its relevance in their own field. Thus the science of psycho-cybernetics was born. Our thoughts, our feelings, our enthusiasm of a bright future of lack of it all creates the future that delivers our day in the present. Believe it or not we are continuing building our own life.

Life is decisional. Awareness is the key. Making the right choices and decisions is crucial to changing the course of events for us. Asking a simple question can bring change. Is what I am thinking - productive thinking? Is what I am feeling - productive feeling? Is what I am emoting - productive emoting? Is what I am reflecting – productive reflecting? All types of thoughts, feelings, reflections and emotions fly by the space of our mind. They have only momentary existence. It is only when we hold on to them that they stay. We have a choice to make. Our life changes drastically when we continually make the right choice of harboring healthy thoughts, feelings, reflections and emotions. Our life changes drastically when we continually allow the unhealthy thoughts, feelings and emotions to just fly past. It is easy when we do not make them into issues.

We do have experiences of ourselves, of others and of situations of life. We at times inadvertently make unproductive statements about our ability, capability, and worth among other things. We express doubt to ourselves. Saying what if, is the most common. These lead us to generate views about ourselves, others, situations and quality of life. They reflect our ability or inability to handle life. This is a subtle way in which we make decisions. Decisions are creative. They create events in the future. This process is by way of psycho-cybernetic goal setting.

There is a great opportunity for us to explore. To build a bright future by allowing only productive thoughts, feelings, reflections and emotions to prevail. Good physical, mental, psychological and emotional health is guaranteed for practitioners.

Ajit Karve: taforyouandme@gmail.com

Authentic Feelings and Racket Feelings

Feelings are a tool for solving problems. Feelings are experienced and are also expressed. There are four principal feelings: Joy, Sad, Anger, Fear. Experiencing and expressing feelings appropriately is the key. Feelings are classified as Authentic Feelings and Racket Feelings. Authentic Feelings when expressed foster problem solving. Those which do not do so are Racket Feelings. Being sad and expressing sadness for events or occurrences of the past is considered to be an authentic feeling. {I am saddened to know that you lost your pet last week. This is an authentic feeling. When we feel sad or express regret for being late or missing an appointment we express an inappropriate feeling. It is therefore a racket feeling.} Anger is an authentic feeling when expressed in relationship to events in the present. {Saying angrily: Please behave yourself; is expressing an authentic feeling. Saying angrily: You left all the work half done yesterday; is expressing a racket feeling.} Fear is an authentic feeling when it relates to an event or occurrence yet to happen. {Being fearful: I am afraid that we may not win the tender bid; is expressing an authentic feeling. I am afraid traveling by train alone; is expressing a racket feeling.}

Feelings expressed for gaining sympathy of others or for manipulating the environment are also considered to be Racket Feelings.

Awareness follows knowing and awareness brings change. Change occurs effortlessly when it comes through awareness. We may miss out. It is OK. Opportunities for change are coming to hand again and again. Succeeding once opens the doorway for succeeding many times. Thus we succeed in our enterprise of change.

Ajit Karve: taforyouandme@gmail.com

Learnings at NCTA 2011 - Relate to Grow

Welcome all participants at NCTA 2011 held in Chertala, Kerala organised by ICTA Kochi.
This blog is meant to promote sharing of TA learning and experiences by all students and
practitioners of Transactional Analysis.